Purging to Reclaim

The past few years have been the mother of all purges. 

It gets to a point where you are forced to stop and take stock. I had unknowingly ignored the precautionary whispers of my inner world and soon it felt like my body had to scream to get my attention. Mysterious ailments, unexplained chronic fatigue, a general sense of agitation, lost spark and discontentedness.

I did finally stop, to take stock. And what I found was a deep sadness in my profession as a teacher, a lost sense of aliveness in my life and a low lying but ever present need for some fundamental honesty. The problem was that I didn’t know what the aliveness even looked like, or what the honesty needed to reveal. But I knew something had to shift, a process rooted in removing identity, after identity to see what was actually left. 

You see, confidence and a robust sense of self worth have always been a little elusive to me, and I say that with love. As a result, I have felt discomfort in the unfamiliarity of listening to my intuition and inner knowing -something I’m learning to lean into now. It feels safer to adhere to other people’s opinions and ideas and adopt them as your own, as a way to gain some perceived stability. Herd mentality- eat your heart out. Plus, it also mimics a process which feels purposeful- learning new ideas to evolve in the way other people are doing with seemingly tried and tested results.

Although unknowingly at the time, this took me further away from feeding my soul with the nourishment it actually craved. The balance between inspiration and desperation becomes a perplexing conundrum - with one being driven by an uplifting quest for meaning and the other, a hopeless, frantic searching. 

So let’s go back a few years… 

For a while, my teaching career felt deeply fulfilling. I loved what I did and being surrounded by the authenticity of children was priceless. But as time went on, I began to experience a deep anguish that was absorbing all of my energy. 

I began to realise that the wider government-led schooling system is, in many ways, a one size fits all package. Schools do their utmost to make the system they're given work. But I was beginning to experience its significant shortcomings in overwhelming ways. Blood, sweat, and tears - quite literally - were poured into supporting the increasingly diverse needs of the children in my classes. I care deeply about education for children but I wasn’t able to do my job in the way I needed to. Deciding to leave full time teaching was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but it was a catalyst for the almighty succession of purges that was to come. 

Training as a yoga teacher was driven by my urge to tap into the parts of life that felt as though they were bordered off with aggressive ‘NO ENTRY’ tape. I had already been in the process of peeling back layers through therapy and intense inhalation of self help books but there was a whole host of understanding about my body and mind that felt missing. I didn’t know what it was exactly but I knew there was more out there and I was not disappointed. 

On completing my training, my world had simply exploded. I was completely spellbound and mystified by the sacredness and depth that yoga embodied. It felt like multiple missing jigsaw puzzle pieces revealed themselves, however finding how they slotted into my own experience and life, has proved the most beguiling challenge. In the year that was to come and through the process of absorbing every ounce of knowledge and nugget of wisdom there was to have, I unknowingly took on beliefs, ideas and practices which essentially didn’t align with my soul. 

And let me tell you, it’s a slippery slope.

There is a spiritual notion that if we try hard enough, we can somehow transcend the body and mind (our source of suffering) and get to a stage of enlightened, eternal peace. Thousands of years ago, Gurus were able to take themselves away into silent isolation, with far fewer commitments. In today's modern age, this concept doesn't align so well- with bills, families, work, technology, doom scrolling. I know this is not how it works now, but at the same time, all I wanted was the peace, the high, the bliss.

I spent hours meditating as a way to help ‘manage my emotions’ and would journal copiously about all the ways I needed to be fixed. The mere presence of others, especially loved ones, who quite rightly absorbed more of my energy, was a distraction away from my ‘healing’. I was working to feed my soul, in the way neo-spirituality tells you to, but was left feeling totally mal-nourished because deep in my bones, alot of it just didn’t resonate in the way I both wanted and needed it to.

So in a way that is very typical of me, I threw the baby out with the bathtub. 

I dropped the majority of my routines and yoga practices and started peeling back ideas and beliefs I had about myself. Working from a blank slate felt like a relief. And what’s interesting, was the more I stripped back, the louder my own wants, needs and desires became. It was like the microphone of my inner knowing had been released from a muffled, dusty old box and I had some clearer communication channels going on. 

I began exploring aspects of spirituality that had become performative or routine and questioned how they were supporting me. I gave myself the space to explore what felt authentic to me. I could assess what I had picked up as a tool to distract myself from my own discomfort instead of patiently leaning into it with compassion and understanding. I started experimenting with what it felt like to forge opinions of my own and my vents for self expression were expanding beyond spoken or written words. And this is where I began rekindling a connection with my body which I had tapped out of for many years.

After four or five months, I slowly began moving my body again and I was beginning to feel more sensation than I had ever felt. When it felt appropriate, with awareness, I began reading up on topics that deeply interested me: somatic therapies, trauma, embodiment and the completely understated yet integral intelligence of our nervous system that controls everything that we do. 

It was a process of listening to my thoughts and gut feelings, and honouring those, instead of using my energy tending to a world in which I thought I belonged. We can often lustfully look out at others who seem to be sparkling with magic and wonder whether if we did what they were doing, it would impact us in the same way. But the energy consumed on a journey that isn’t meant for you, in my experience, stripped me of what it was to be me. 

With a more steady sense of self, I feel ready to mindfully reclaim what feels right, as well as making room for the new and constantly growing evolution of my life. 

There is so much heartfelt joy and goodness in both teaching and practising yoga. There is so much goodness in meditation, in self study, in movement, in being upside down. There is so much goodness in educating the growing population, in healing ourselves, in spiritual ritual, in lighting candles, in burning incense, in being in devotion to a higher power, in the cosmic wonder of our night skies, in the simplicity of five deep, whole breaths. There is so much wonder in owning your shit and creating a future that isn’t crippled by denial and betrayal of your heart and authenticity. 

With my travels coming to a close in a few weeks, it feels both exciting and grounding to come home and explore a life more closely aligned with my values, heart and soul. I wonder what it will all look like. At this moment in time, I’m still figuring it out. 

So, what feeds your soul and what doesn’t? Maybe a good old purge is due, or perhaps you’re already living in divine authentic balance, and if so, I’d love a few tips. 

But of course, I’ll only take them on board if they align… ;)

“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.” Bessel Van Der Kolk